We held hands.
We grindded to the music and let the flow take over
I never been so engaged in motion
The wall was comfort against his warm body
His breath warmed my beck and his fingers filled the empty spaces in mine
The bass from the music was overwhelming but
No one will understand how we moved that night or even how my number ended up in his phone
It will be a night I forget
because I wasn’t wearing a belt
because we danced together for three songs
What I saw that night told me exactly what I thought because it was the beginning to this thing we call “it doesn’t really have a name because when you dumb it down were really just fuck buddies that have an emotional connection that is kinda sorts not worth figuring out:
No matter what they say or what you do
When I’m alone, I’d rather be with you
Fuck these other niggas I’ll be right by your side
Til 3005 …..
Today I read a letter that came from the heart and I don’t even know where to start. I do know where to start but the feeling of choosing not to is what makes me feel whole. There are no words I can use for understanding. There are no actions I can show for gratitude. There are not enough tears that will say I’m sorry for myself. I …. I sit in this chair fighting myself to tell the truth. I sit here refusing to accept everything that I can and can’t do.
1. I know what I’m talking about. I know exactly what I mean. I am educated. I am smart. I am intelligent. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am human. I am willing to do for myself. I am willing to harm myself. I am willing to keep quiet when my mind speaks volume. I am willing not to put you in your place because of pride. I am willing to accept whats on the table. I have been too willing to be second. I have been too willing to be a listener. To sitting in the back. I have been to willing to accept the unacceptable. I stopped being myself. I stopped ripping the world apart because I stopped caring. Why? I stopped talking to myself. I stopped writing. I stopped performing. I stopped shining. I stopped defining and started being situated.
2. I am not okay and I don’t want to accept it. I just took the first step. The second step is not deleting the first sentence of the second bullet point. The next step is all on me. Everyone wants to get better but some people are to sick to realize it. My throat hurts. I don’t want to write anymore, I want to take two steps backwards but I know that does me no good. I have become comfortable. I have become stagnant and it was all by choice. I have not answered anything you have asked me. I am not crying out for help. I am crying out to do better. I am crying out for help but I will not accept it. I need to take these steps one at a time without the railing. I have become something I never wanted to be. Uneasy.
3. “I fear that no man will ever understand you to the point that you deserve to be understood” … I do not fear it. It is the truth unless I do something about it. It has been accepted and will be true until I decide to speak. He doesn’t know why I smile and probably never will. He doesn’t know why he makes me smile and probably never will. He doesn’t know how I make myself smile and neither do I. He was right. I know how to write but I need to reclaim my voice. If I give myself I lose everything that I am. He hasn’t scratched the surface. He hasn’t pushed any buttons. He hasn’t been ‘here’. But he has made me smile. He has been somewhere. I’m hoping he still exist. I’m hoping he exist. But hope doesn’t make anyone whole and being whole isn’t the goal right now
4. I am using too many fillers and not enough raw material.
5. You don’t have to tell me twice I’m a leader. I am just tired of leading. I am tired of breaking people down but that is who I am. I am a voice of fucking logic. I have potential lol. I have and I’m everything it takes to burn this bitch down. I know and believe it. They don’t.
His smile is love
His smile is kind
His smile is beautiful
His smile is a calm after the storm
His smile genuinely comes from with in